US Government Publication – Airborne Informational Leaflet (AIL) – 1A
The US Government, through FEMA, has enacted a ten-step plan to combat this new and rapidly spreading threat. Step 1 is this rigorous airborne leaflet campaign designed to combat the spread of Solanum and aid survivors of the plague through public awareness and preparedness. Unfortunately steps 2-10 never really quite got off the ground and all government and military personnel have been evacuated to secret heavily guarded bunkers in the Rockies. This leaflet is now the only line of defense – keep it close!
To weather this storm you have three options:
1) Hunker down and wait for the pandemic to burn itself out or for help to arrive.
2) Attempt to fight your way out of the infected area you find yourself trapped in.
3) Face facts, treat yourself to one last hurrah, and commit suicide.
Information on these options will be provided in plain and candid language (see reverse for Español)
Section 1: Batten down the hatches!
So you find yourself besieged by what may seem like limitless hordes of the walking dead? Don’t panic… Not yet, anyway.
The first thing to consider is the surrounding area – is it rural, urban or suburban?
In a rural area the population density will be much lower. Groups of the infected should only appear in dozens, not hundreds, at least until mass migrations from more densely populated areas occur, so enjoy this three or four day respite.
In a suburban area this placid time of impending dread will be greatly reduced. Swarms wandering away from major population centers should reach you in a matter of hours. Don’t let this dampen your spirits! Look on the bright side: at least you won’t have as much time to contemplate the inevitable, just like ripping off a band-aid.
For those citizens trapped in urban areas, this publication refers you to Section 3.
No matter where you live the prevailing wisdom is the same. Find as secure a place as you can to hole up in, barricade all windows and doors, be sure to lay in as many provisions as you can, keep plenty of duct tape on hand, and always have an exit strategy.
Well now, you’ve followed these directions and have gone unnoticed, but you’re running out of food?
Unfortunately you’re now only left with two options:
1) If you are part of a group, draw straws.
2) If you are alone or have lucked out and gotten the long straw, see Section 3.
Section 2: Familiar with the collected works of one John Rambo?
So you’ve read section one and aren’t too keen on it? You might be in luck. It was for just such occasions like the Zombocalypse, as it is colloquially known, that the Founding Fathers included in the Constitution the Second Amendment. Through the astounding foresight of America’s political leaders you have been able to keep and bear arms as a US citizen. So, stand up for your right and break out your legally purchased and licensed firearms.
While reading the previous paragraph you may have some questions or reservations, chief among these being:
Q: I’m a US citizen but do not own any firearms. What about me?
A: It’s your own fault for not seizing your constitutional right to gun ownership and the federal government may not be held accountable for any loses of property, limbs or lives.
Q: I’m not a US citizen. What about me?
A: Not our problem.
In any of these three cases you seem to be hopelessly outnumbered – see Section 3.
Section 3: Suicide–All roads seem to be pointing in this direction so get to it!
Well, it looks like they’re playing your song. It’s the end of the road and the only thing left to choose is the way you’re going to sing your swan song. Fortunately for you the state has you covered. The AILs will help you decide upon a method that fits your individually tailored needs. Unfortunately, since federal law and recent court cases involving intelligent design prevent us from comforting anyone with the serene and reassuring beliefs in a higher power, you’ll just have to make do with this brief list:
Self-inflicted gunshot – If you always wanted to go out with a bang, here’s your chance. It’s quick and painless and while it will leave a gruesomely disfigured corpse, there won’t be anyone around to complain. Yes sir, this is the Cadillac of suicides. Then again, if you had a working firearm with ammunition you probably wouldn’t be on Section 3. See what procrastination has gotten you?
Pills – The ever stylish overdose, for those of you who always dreamed of fame and fortune. Go out like a movie star! Just make sure you’ve got enough, or else you’ll wake up with a killer hangover and Zack gnawing on your foot.
Leaps of Faith – For those survivors living in urban areas, why not take a dive off a skyscraper? The perfect end for any thrill seeker, great for the extreme sports crowd, one last rush before you bite the big one. Gnarly!
Sunday Roast – This one is just great for those who want to drift off peacefully or those who loved to sniff glue as a child. Easy as pie; just insert your head in the oven, blow out the pilot light and au revoir. To avoid any embarrassment and wasted time be sure that you don’t have an electric range before attempting.
And lastly, we come to the abject coward who can’t bear commit to the real estate deal. There’s just no helping some people.