Date: February 24th-25th 2010
Time:1030
Location:Queens,NY
My name is John Maddock.
I decided to write out my story of the apocalypse.This Notebook is filled with tips and helpful information to survive the outbreak.
My story starts in Queens. I was just landing in JFK international airport when i heard news of a new breed of virus and was informed that everyone was to stay in the airport terminal until further notice.I wondered what the virus did (i found out soon enough)but the pilot wouldn’t tell us.
Time:1530
I saw what the “infected” were like.They appeared to be..dead.The airport security were fighting the infected until they ran out of ammunition.They had no choice but to fight them hand on hand and ended up getting infected as well.The security that remained evacuated us into an airplane until the situation has been dealt with.One lady’s child ran out of the plane and tried to grab a bear that he had dropped.The woman opened the door and jeopardized everyone in the airplane.
This concludes page one of ten Damn that child woman
One response to “The notebook”
Dates and times need work. First off, we do not use hard dates (Feb 2010). This story puts the outbreak at a particular time–and shows a transformation in five hours from total ignorance to being right in the middle of the Panic and a horde. Too fast.
Why would the pilot be talking to you in a terminal? How does a kid get out of a plane? Were the Z’s at the door? Wouldn’t they be visible through the window?
Finally, you’ve got narrator problems. IF he’s keeping this as a present-tense journal, he doesn’t write that introduction, and he certainly wouldn’t write that pompous closing (This concludes.) He doesn’t know about survival tips as he’s writing it. Additionally, the combination of present tense (my story starts and this concludes) which switches to past tense is difficult to follow.
Why don’t you take this post private, write your other nine parts, revise it for some consistency, and let us see it when it’s done?